| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2008|02:56 pm] |
i hate cops. i'm feeling some form of catharsis coming on and its worrying me. i guess alienated is a good enough term to describe the excitement, dissapointment and self-deprecation of waking up with the potential for learning, feeling that awkward pain when you feel really deflated, and small talking all day. i'm pretty sure i'm going crazy without talking to anyone. i'm hopeful that i won't feel like this forever!
i saw lou in nyc which was fun. geoff, where do i start with you? i've been talking more with my dad lately. i'm working on being less dogmatic. i'm going to charlotte this weekend which kinda scares me. i have no winter coat anymore. i'm listening to a lot more angry music again. i have said "i" enough times to make the point that i'm egotistical as fuck.
after i get over myself, I'll go back to deutschland soon and my wisdom teeth need to come out.
more than anything, i'm a much better person now and i'm prepared for when things start going right. and when we storm the capitol.
support each other,
scott |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2008|09:51 pm] |
pairing off and getting old seems to be the status quo around here. i guess its hard to have friends when we get old. suburbia awaits us with open arms, variable interest rate mortgages, kids, painkillers and golf club memberships. right now i'm not thrilled to turn thirty, yet ten years ago wasn't too long ago. god i kinda want to be sixteen again.
i'm scared and pretty confident that i will never do the things in life i have always wanted to do. fuck the fact that this idea is even ever in my mind, or that i think about it everyday while i'm inactive or doing petty book work.
someone told me that the arboretum taco bell burned down and im really glad it did. that place was horrible, if not really cheap. its probably not healthy that i want every bad memory to burn down.
i'm a really good person and i am capable of having loving, honest relationships with people i care about.
two years from now i might be a teacher or if this recession keeps going, i will be a well-educated cashier somewhere. or maybe we'll be in the process of kicking capitalism while its down to the point that i'll be working for a new awesome socialist government rebuilding new orleans or tearing down US military bases in israel. we'll see.
more and more often i think that we need a socialist revolution because of the vulgar, alienating ways people relate and what capitalism has done to the places we live, ie the promenade. and the way people talk on a college campus. you've never seen so much ignorant privilege! there are about a million other reasons too. listening to the smiths when yr alone alot doesn't help anything.
next wednesday i'm going to la to visit my brother. this should be awesome and spirit lifting in many ways. and soon i might be published in german again. writing propaganda is my favorite thing to do now.
vote or die,
scott |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2008|01:09 pm] |
after my five month vacation i spent the summer working, partying, developing, and hoping. i'm looking forward to the period of my life in my twenties fighting injustices and self-doubt. the personal but universal anxiety towards almost everything is wasting less of my energy now and hopefully i'll never think about myself again that way. being a part of an epic struggle for (wo)mankind might help me forget who i am in a positive way.
back in school, out of work, but with plenty to do, I am hopeful for all that i can share. learn, and take part in.
all the people who would have ever read this are scattered across the east coast now. i still miss y'all and hopefully we can stay in touch in some more than superficial way through this blogging.
some of my friends have been posting this article and i find it pretty relevant to lots of our "counter" culture.
-scott |
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| cynthia mckinney |
[Jun. 7th, 2008|07:38 pm] |
got a job, got a life, got a house, got a perspective, and got older.
hi my name is scott and i'm with environment north carolina. right now we're working on some do-good reformist lobbying to 'save the environment.' every day i wake up and do battle with global warming, automakers, and oil barons. right..
since i've been back in the states i've had very few good conversations. it saddens me a little to think about wanting someone around who will think i'm always brilliant, beautiful and revolutionary all the goddamn time.
this summer hopefully includes screen-printing, our backyard beer garden, canvassing my ass off, red reading group, meeting a girl, getting a farmer's tan, sitting on my front porch, and some trips up north. anyone who would like to come and hang out in chapel hill is welcome to see if i make any progress on this. maybe you could come for my birthday (july 30). |
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| may flowers |
[May. 6th, 2008|05:13 pm] |
general strike, class war, permanent revolution, .... when i wake up, i quickly remember our hopes and arise to hasten the defeat of injustice, alienation, and despair. call me crazy but this consciousness has empowered my reality and transformed my thoughts into the realm of obsession (but in the most positive way!). i don't care about . i care about how we're going to rest away power from the abolish oppression and inequality. the justification for every harsh comment to liberals or every drawn out debate about "democracy" has bored (offended, or rang true!) with plenty of people to which i should probably apologize.
last thursday i took part in a 10,000 person anti-fascist, anti-capitalist youth "revolutionary may day" march. it was quite the multicultural riot, with the kurdish stalinists and white-bred anarchists and like six revolutionary americans all taunting cops and seeing the most literal manifestation of a state beat their friends with nightsticks for standing too close to raging tire-fires.
my study abroad is all but over. the last few months have been exceptional for my social life, if not for my entire life. lots of beer, girls(maybe not lots), forgotten memorable sights, new friends?, and plenty of new stories. i'm coming back to the States Friday. i'm going to dc for a few days, then chapel hill for some catch up and then charlotte for some intense diplomacy. officially, I am never living in Charlotte again!
Dear Geoff,
what are you doing this summer?
Dear others,
What are you doing with yr summers?
<3 |
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| and now denver is lonesome for her heroes |
[Apr. 6th, 2008|07:45 pm] |
april is usually the best month of my life. so far, so good. athens, copenhagen, and hamburg all in the last 2 weeks. now i'm at home, chewing on my hand, thinking of why i could possibly feel exhausted and lonesome. all of this privilege and tourism is turning me into an awkward, worldy marxist who can't keep up small talk for more than four questions. its time to talk to a real friend.
german girly, plenty of hash in christiania, social anxiety, hostile hostels, boring bourgeois operas, red light districts filled with capitalist lust, "friends" with whom i've covered the world and never had a serious conversation, dance club awkwardness as i can't feel free enough to dance like them, still truly awesome weeks, plans to spend a summer brewing beer and finding my place in the sun; all this stuff is an awesome routine!
no one should ever listen to kind of like spitting after they graduate high school. too depressing and petty.
sometimes i dream that i live and work in the DDR. think of how good a comrade i'd make! my job would be so secure! i would say "solidarity" in every other sentence. reactionaries would be punished and we'd sit around in our flats because we only work 30 hour weeks and complain about US imperialism while drinking subsidized beer. then i remember what century it is and how living in east germany wouldn't just be flowers and equality. i'd be in the military!
i could use a week back in the states and then come back to germany for like pretty much ever. i would abduct some of my friends, buy lots of taco bell, call people since i haven't written postcards, and drive a car just for the thrill of it.
i'll be back in the middle of may. |
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| 25 sexiest blokes in pop (ripping off ginsberg) |
[Mar. 13th, 2008|05:57 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | ginsberg's america | ] |
i'm 15 again. skinny, nervous, jealous, speechless and trying to look my best around a girl. and soon the school year will end and i'll go home to hang out with the bros. in the in-between the winter and the spring and the lawns long gone..
three of my friends came this week from chapel hill. i have trips to athens, poland, hamburg/copenhagen, and dresden soon. i can't stand my own mind. usually i end most sentences with never mind. when did i forget how to speak?
bike-riding riverwalk, finish the bottle beer, pack of smokes, orange sky pierced by europe's largest monument to socialism, and now i'm lonesome for a reality where the sun shines on the big bill haywood and gene debs, not bill gates and "its britney, bitch."
the fatherland still calls my name saying "you got responsibilities." no i don't. i might go for a degree in labor economics..
I'm with you in Rockland
where there are twenty-five-thousand mad comrades all together singing the final stanzas of the Internationale
I wrote an article for a german trotskyite independent youth organization about election 2008. here is a link of the article after it was translated into german by a friend and then translated by google into english again. it still retains some of the effect of what i wrote with more simplistic wording.
article on election click "revo newspaper" then "got some change" |
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| every shining time you arrive |
[Feb. 15th, 2008|03:37 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | sunny day real estate | ] |
-whenever i think about acting cool and looking good around girls i think about luke. i think we can all admit hes the best looking friend.
-whenever i want to act crazy and not feel like shit i think about geoff.
-whenever i hang out with older people i think about bill and sam.
-whenever i think about acting like i'm from california (since everyone else here is from cali) i think about brandt acting tough at the promenade or something.
-whenever i feel insecure about my ability to have happy, respectful relationships i think about my dad and it breaks my heart
-whenever i need a smile i think about my home friends and how important they still are to me.
valentine's day took all the strength (and champagne) i had for some reason. i think i am legitimately afraid of crushes.
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| i ain't gonna work on maggie's farm no more! |
[Feb. 10th, 2008|04:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | berlin, de | ] |
| [ | music |
| | in your eyes | ] |
Sundays are always the worst. lonely, nervous, really all right and still smiling. a major let down happened this week for the millionth time as i let someone down (ashamedly on purpose!). on her birthday. still smiling, new crushes happen, as they also happen only to let me down!
my friends should all just move to chapel hill into a house with me. we can just have potlucks, play risk on sundays (no shirts!), eat pasta, brew beer, and overthrow capitalism.
i'm really caught between wanting to be home and actually able to talk to people or be here and make stories. this feeling always passes. and then i just forget who I am a lil more.
i officially have a type of girl! she is really cool (too cool), knows world history better than i do, talks politics, and doesn't mind getting howling drunk. definitely a leftist, tattoos a plus, and empowered a must. the rest i am a little less sure.
I wish more people would write livejournal entries. High school is over, I know, but it would be nice to keep up with people that I used to see every day.
and your chest is a cage of my letters,
scott |
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| berlin |
[Jan. 17th, 2008|06:31 pm] |
i'll be honest, i'm having the time of my life. cool girl, cool city, cool weather, cool (i guess) trots, cool friends, cool! but really, who thought moving back in with one's mom would be awesome!
foreign girls drive me crazy. like we don't even speak the same language.
dialectical materialism consumes my alone time, but its kinda nice to be dogmatic. marxism has become quite a force in my life. slashing through ideological thisle may be the next few awesome years of my life!
come visit! or give me yr address for an intimate postcard. |
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| great leap forward |
[Dec. 10th, 2007|12:23 am] |
frozen pulse stray dog
reinvent identity
wonderful sweet face
bourgeois decadence
turn world upside down
ideological growth (power of the people don't stop!), emotional stagnation (go home!), tomorrows move (Deutschland!), nervous wreck (rash!), further my end! This identity crisis may end for the better.
I'll be back this weekend. Happy Intl Human Rights Day. |
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| fall semester |
[Oct. 8th, 2007|11:50 pm] |
So far, soo good. in the last month my life has made a turn towards the better. student activism, school, dreaming, and hangin out has become a satisfying lifestyle. too bad i'm giving it all up to study in berlin next semester.
every day i'm in the library a lot, and frequently i see people (girls) i mean to talk to and make new friends. this might be the story of my life. so anyways, my plan (or lack there of) never works and I end up staring at rousseau or diverting my attention long enough to not get their attention. what a big problem. i am actually getting way better at meeting people.
i'll be in charlotte next thursday through sunday. only cause i can't get enough money to go to dc again. expect some phone calls though. someday i'll throw off the shackles of charlotte and get a job. don't worry, i'll still visit.
i'm happy, i'm well, and i do more than sit in my room! i dont have a car. geoff is coming on wednesday. every weekend i get beat up, let down, and test my invincibility, yet its always fun. stress is frequent but constructive. i want to take trips, but at the same time i really don't want to leave. these entries highlight egomaniacal tendencies of mine. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 27th, 2007|12:52 am] |
i'm home alone sweet home now. Summer was the best of times hanging out with luke or mimsy or geoff or whoever. Its hard to compare summers, yet from what I remember these last 3-4 months were top ten.
the last week of returning to school has been scary, destructive, and awkward. i've slipped into the same friend group as last year without even an attempt at being outgoing.
being back around so many people again has made me feel like i need to be more materialistic. get a wife and die alone. i've also become aware of my plain nature and unwillingness to actually do things that require effort (ie getting a job, meeting people, stop eating meat, living my own life).
I'm planning on studying some broads next semester in berlin. i get off on being worldly.
i need some new music. i've had the same cds for the past 3 years and i'm sure most of you have heard it all in my car before. any recommendations?
anyone down for some mixtape letter writing continuation of our friendship. if so, give me an address! mine is
Scott Williams
Room 510, Morrison
445 Paul Hardin Drive
Chapel Hill, NC 27514 |
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| foot down on the gas, never looking back |
[Jul. 4th, 2007|11:09 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | one amazin kid - summertime song | ] |
my good friends in charlotte are more home than anyone/where. no matter where we go or what we do, i wanna be with my friends more than anything. i wish i could go anywhere with guys (maybe other than the arbo). we gotta be more spontaneous though boys or else we'll never have the summer of our lives!
despite its occasional loneliness, this summer has been very memorable. hearts may have not been broken, lessons not learned, bridges not rebuilt, fears not conquered, yet its been a mindless pleasure hunt spent dreaming up the improbable. and the party is not even over anyways.
mexico camping with my brothers and dad was great. titty bars, campfires, and an 1100 km peninsula make for some great family times. in the last week or so i drove across the country and now i've been digging the atlantic all day. America is great.
i'm working toward the day when i can smile at anything. heart-dropping rushes of doubt and disgust keep me from being who i want to be. i want to feel, but i want to feel happy because of who i am. i don't want to think back constantly only to realize my inward pessimism. i need something new to look forward to without wasting my summer wishing and waiting. party on wayne.
everything is great, i just want to feel lucky as hell all the time instead of reminding myself of it. but really party on! |
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| smoke weed and rap dfs |
[Jun. 7th, 2007|01:39 pm] |
So its been summer for a month now. I went to Europe with my brothers to visit my mom in Berlin as well as Istanbul, Paris, and Copenhagen. I even got five free stitches in my face from a bike accident during the morning rush hour in Copenhagen while riding a free bike. That trip started my summer on a real high point, which basically ruins my bored, lonely times in Huntersville that make up the rest of my summer.
As far as I know, only like 6 of my friends are still alive from the past year. These kids were most of the best anyways. Starting tomorrow I'll be around in south Charlotte every day for an entire week, so call me old friends and we will party!
On the 16th i'm going to mexico with my dad and my brothers for a two week camping, partying, gringo extravaganza. it will be tight. Then I'm driving across the country with my brother. Again pretty cool.
Other that that I will be living with my dad and waiting for next year in school unless you kids call me to hang out!
Other plans? |
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| love and george sourat in a parisian park on sunday |
[Apr. 20th, 2007|12:37 pm] |
Dear friends,
With the greatest amount of procrastination and disgust, I have managed to do well for myself in the beehive. Other workers may have failed to go through the motions, but apparently I’m really good at being a cog in a machine. School indeed has been an interesting experience so far, yet i can’t say I’d rather be slaving away next to my co-wreckers at college than eating barbecued veggie burgers at geoff’s house while smoking cigarettes in front of Warren. Being sixteen and seventeen had tremendous ups and downs, but college is like a goddamn child’s ride at Carowinds. Sure we drink a lot and abuse drugs, but that’s only to get out of the harsh reality that everything we do is pointless bullshit. Friends are merely copatriates in a battle to keep one’s sanity among the billions of others looking out for number one. The real world may really suck, like a hellride on hallucinogens, but I think I could make it with some bros around.
Anyways, today is 4-20 and its likely in like 3 hours I will be so stoned I forget all of my earthly possessions and problems. That will be rewarding.
English class sucks. I’m supposed to write a paper right now. Does he even know what I did last night? Or better yet like 7 hours ago. Goddamnit. There’s a baby crying in class. I would be too.
I’ll be home on the 9th for a few days but I won’t really really be around until July. And only maybe then. Don’t be offended, my family just likes to travel and escape the hum-drum of suburban, suicidal nothing.
Stop sleeping and live your dreams,
Scott |
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| a new england |
[Mar. 25th, 2007|10:07 pm] |
another weekend equals another blur of nights playing beer pong and yelling at each other about our personal philosophies about how screwed we all are. no one ever likes me afterwards and that's ok. i'll stop trying to be holden caulfield when i wake up and call to eat breakfast at 2. i'm just not that happy for some selfish, pointless reason.
today reaffirmed the fact that i should have gone to georgetown to hang out with my brothers. basketball sucks.
spring break was a drunken shitshow among many other things (of which i'm even less proud). i talked to my mom on the phone and told her a bunch of phony trash about who came and that we didn't fuck anything up. break was great at times though and now i'm completely broke and over being sunburnt.
lots of girls around in bikinis by the volleyball court makes me down. i'm too self-conscious to even look.
i'm writing a paper about South Park right now. liberal arts are pretty cool.
i won't be back in charlotte until may (and only then for a couple of days), so not really until june after a three week vacation to see mom in europe. i get to flex my german again.
this reads pretty negatively but honestly i'm doing well and i miss you kids. call me if you want to move into my bed or just come up for a show. or just call to talk; i'm never busy.
love,
scott |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|01:29 am] |
winter is going about as well as ever. Silent agony, fruitless prosperity, and disgusting sickness are all abound. i've been busy enough. busy waiting for the cold to end, magically making the world a lovely, technicolor dreamland full of naked girls and happy faces. i'm just a total coward. just wait for april.
beach house for sb2k07? let me know if you can come (sometime between march 10-17). sing alongs, star counting, risk games that end in multilateral treaties, and whatever you can fit in a backpack fun! make plans. or don't! |
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| the good life |
[Jan. 12th, 2007|03:22 pm] |
for what is all this work? to make me a more apt consumer? to inflate my self-righteousness? to live life for what? to whom am i a prisoner? society? wage-slavery? why do i feel that i want all of the wrong comforts? why is my silent protest of the pointlessness of my life ever going to end? how am i going to take back my heart and decide to stand for my values? why has technology bankrupted me of any ability to communicate face-to-face? why do i feel the need to sell away my life for uncomforting consumer trash? why is everyone around me caught up in the wrong pursuits for the perpetuation of mountains of private property and thrown away there life for essentially nothing? why does no one make eye contact here? where are my friends in this bourgeouis boot camp?
break was fine. i learned that during my selfish quest for individualist interdependence i've been hurting someone who deserves my attention and love. i saw most of my friends and family and i got a letter in the mail from selective service. it's likely i'll won't be back in charlotte before spring break (march 9th), but hopefully i'll see some of you kids. keep it real. |
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| business in the front, party in the back |
[Dec. 4th, 2006|02:35 am] |
| [ | music |
| | christie front drive | ] |
in two weeks geoff, justin, (will?), and i are going to burn down the nation's capitol, the big apple, and the entire state of connecticut. it will be badass and a perfect time to take tons of facebook pictures.
i'm doing well if not confused and thoughtless. i'm so detached from any other person's life, even my own.
i locked geoff out last night accidentally and he had to sleep on laura's floor. what a terrible best friend i am.
by the end of this semester i'll have written 57 pages worth of papers. college is still really easy.
honestly i dread living in charlotte for the next month of break yet i'll get over it. home is now this half of my dark dormroom.
i'm running out of time to fulfill this year's resolutions. hopefully next year i will grow into even more of an emotionless adult who has more sex on top of buildings. time will tell.
have a happy holidays,
s2h jfk etc |
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